21 questions

My counsellor (not from the NHS, but charity based) gave me a list of questions to ponder over. I read them last night and they bored me. But here goes, this is difficult so maybe there is therapeutic value in it. Else I enjoy banging my head against a wall.


1. What gives your life purpose?
Jesus, if i had a fucking purpose I wouldn't be in counselling.
Maybe Jesus gives me purpose, when i pray.


2. What is your earliest memory?
A crease in a smiley paper sun i was making at school. 
Also doing a poo in my pants, i think.


3. What are you passionate about?
Women. Creativity. Freedom to be creative.


4. Do you always tell the truth?
I try never to lie, is that the same thing?


5. What has been the lowest point in your life?
Boarding school i think. Ten years of imprisonment for crimes I didn't commit. Mind you, all of childhood is a form of imprisonment.
And come to think of it, now is as shit as ever.


6. What keeps you awake at night?
I rarely have trouble sleeping, unless i'm very excited about something, an idea for example, or very worried about something the next day.


7. What makes you angry?
Fuckwits. Fucking geeks fucking wanting to take control of your pc with their fucking automatic fucking updates. Fuck off geeks we dont want you. Anything that takes control away from me. Myself, when I fail to be assertive, which is a lot of the time.


8. Which person has been the greatest influence on your life?
God, who? I can't think of anyone. My mother i suppose.


9. How do you keep yourself grounded?
I don't, I float off constantly. Sometimes a woman comes along and has a go. I just scream.


10. What are you reading for pleasure right now?
Sadly nothing. Well i recently started one of Ian Flemmings James Bond books, as i had read one and enjoyed it. Must dig it up again.


11. Do you fear dying?
No, but I fear never living (which is maybe the same thing). And since really living probably means instant death (statistically speaking, since homo sapiens is approx 1:500 overpopulating this planet in terms of sustainable occupation). I have tremendous respect for those who sacrifice themselves, be it a soldier on the front line, or just someone who's had enough and topped themselves. It's all the same, we all benefit from the dead, their energy is re-distributed and they no longer make any demands. Thats love for you. Can i do the same? I wish, but i'm a selfish little child. However i am commited to trying. Even if it means dying.


12. What would you have written on your tombstone?
Fucking hell what a stupid question. i would have this question written on my tombstone. That would spin a few heads.


13. What do you feel guilty about?
Easy. Being alive. Something more specific? Nope, cant think of any.


14. What makes you laugh?
Laugh? me? I-m a miserable bastard. I suppose comics who are themselves miserable bastards. Jimmy Carr. Black Adder.
My mate Yaz, he's funny (and definitely not a miserable bastard)


15. How do you relax?
Relax? What's that? I find a woman and get her to scratch my head.
I occasionally manage to do something pointless. e.g. Conversation. Fiction. Music. Dance. Sport. I also like to take walks and long showers.


16. Where would you like your next holiday to be and why?
The idea of a holiday is stupid. You only need a holiday if you don-t enjoy what you do, or if you do but are doing it too much, pressuring yourself.
That said, i'd love to go on a beach holiday right now.


17. If you could change anything about society, what would it be?
Oh god, how dull. Politicians, have them wired to lie detectors permanently.


18. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Perfect happiness is simply doing what you enjoy. Sadly there isn't room for 7 billion people to do this.
(Fuck i just seen on my phone calendar that i dont have a counselling appointment today as its half term)


Happiness is relief. Doing a shit. Not having to face the truth in a counselling appointment.
I enjoy making shit. That's it. Or inventing shit. Or just seeing what happens if... like a little boy experimenting.
For example a filling fell out of my tooth last night. I would enjoy seeing what happens if i just plug it with some rapidset cement based adhesive. Just for the hell of it. I fixed my own in-growing toenail once, why not tooth? Thank God for the NHS though. Sorry Doc, it was a DIY job.


19. Do you believe in God?
Another goodie. Yes I do, when I do. And I don't when I don't. I believe he comes into existence when you believe. That is the power of faith. Hell is eternal separation from God, or simply not believing. So let's not beat around the bush. God exists to me. but just to labour the relativist point, this is backed up by science, by quantum theory. Schroedinger's cat is both dead and alive. Until you open the box both are true. If you open the box and the cat is dead, you can't go "see, i told you he was dead" because in another world, a world in which you have faith, the cat is alive. This is all backed up by flawless mathematics. Genius, and i have no idea why it's not taught in schools. Maybe it's too powerful, or mind-boggling.


20. What is your most treasured possession?
God, i don't know. Seems that many of the answers to these questions are Jesus or God. You'd think i was a raving Christian. Fucking hell. Can Christians fuck hell? Sure they can, they chew it for lunch and shit it out by teatime. Anyway you can't possess God, God possesses us.
If he doesn't we say that we are "possessed" which just means , i dunno, we are shadows of other people i suppose.


So back to the question. My most treasured possession. I hate possessions. I want nothing. I have an aversion to stuff. Ok my mind. That's it. I value my mind, though it feels cursed sometimes, it is my most valuable possession. It makes me money, it fixes problems, but it also created problems and consumes money in trying to stay in control. Still, i have to love it. It's part of me, and i can hardly disown it. Not without surgury or some heavy drugs, in which case i may as well just top myself.


21. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Nope, im lost here.
A great achievement would be to give away as much as i get, and not wait until i feel "i have enough" Just have faith that God will provide. 

Vent for lent

1 day course: "Anger awareness"

What a f&cking waste of time this course was. taught by some b&tch single mum with an angry teanage son, hey sort yourself out before trying to fix us. mind you she had a fit assistant, or was it the other way round, the b&tch mum came along to "assist", please desist you witch.

This is not working i was feeling really angry earlier and thought this might help vent it. Of course the course has nothing to do with my anger, as it did not cause it, though of course it's connected. so it does have something to do with it. but f&ck you who wants reason anyway. And what do you have to do with it? nothing either, but if you take some of this then maybe i won't smash my head against a lamppost and you can feel good about it. or not. f&ck you anyway.

The reason reason is f&cked of course needs no explanation, it's fucked. It's history, Literally. Ok that's enough, nearly got sucked in there for a moment.

Ok so i nearly finished my large americano and i'm pumped. Talking of which, body pump, body combat and all that, why go to the gym and vent excess adrenelin which costs time and money, and not just simply kick the shit out of someone.. much cheaper and quicker. I'm only kidding by the way, by way of a disclaimer anyway.

BUt seriously, aren't we lucky in the west having nanny state give us space to vent, just so long as daddy state keeps kicking the shit out of mean dictators and plundering worldly goods from the oppressed. Meditation rooms don't come cheap.

Gratitude, a good place to start. Remember everything you have is a gift, and probably not from a willing giver, some poor sod probably took a sword to get you where you are now. what the f&ck am i doing, i'm supposed to be ranting, not lecturing. thin disguise, can't help it. when in doubt, fix the world, there can't possibly be anything wrong with me.

Seriously though, which is a bad idea since comedy is the only cure, apart from faith, well i forgot what i was serious about now. Oh yes, the NHS. Give them some credit, they do a great job given the limited level of plunder allocated to them.

God bless the NHS.

Fact Feel Want

Here's a little technique for assertive behaviour, courtesy of the free NHS course "Effective Communication" (though they accept no responsibility for the example that follows)

1) First state a fact (not opinion), e.g. "you're hot" (ok maybe that's an opinion, but saying 8 out of 10 men would cut off their right arm to sit next to you on a bus, would require dubious research)
2) Then state what you feel: "i feel giddy looking at you"
3) Then what you want: "how about a quickie in the closet?" (yes i know, points 2 & 3 are mis-matched, but you get the idea)

Of course you can also use this technique to help resolve day-to-day disputes, example: (NHS will like this one)
1) State fact e.g. "I did all the washing up this week, even though half the dirty dishes are yours"
2) Say what you feel e.g. "I feel used"  (own this feeling... use "I", not "you make me feel..")
3) Then what you want e.g. "Can you do the washing up tomorrow?"

Feel free to share your examples.

Money can't buy you love

Or can it? Anyway, in the case of the NHS it's free and one of it's forms is courses on topics such as Stress Management or Effective Communication.

This blog is to help me get more from them, and in case anyone else is interested go to your GP and ask, or just turn up... I can't imagine they send people away from the Self Esteem course for example, "you didn't register, go away you worthless scum"

Effective Communication, Week 2: Communication spoilers

You've all heard them. Quickest way to kill a conversation:

• Unwanted advice
• Judgements (often disguised as advice)
• Dismissing
• Hijacking

I often feel the object of these spoilers, but I must be guilty too. Sometimes in a conversation I feel I can't listen any more so I'll hijack the conversation a sort of "it's my turn now". A childish response, but common especially in families. Other times I don't have the energy to really listen so I give advice to try to "fix the problem" and thereby put it to an end. Not so helpful either.

Stress & Mood Management, Week 3: Rules for living

"I must do everything well or people will hate me"

They did this clever cost-benefit thing in the course but i may skip this now and just say that I want to break this rule by just letting this blog go without too much thought (ok this is a lie, i ended up editing this one). They encouraged re-wording such destructive rules to make them more realistic

e.g. "I enjoy doing things well, but sometimes it's better to get something done than not do it at all."

Click here for Flipcharts from the course.